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They came late last night
To meet you
To ask you questions
And you went mad
Like a churning sea
In the midst of a gale
You lost direction
Then meaning
Then focus
And I wasn’t there
5150
That nurse finally called it
A lockdown
How many years have you needed
A lockdown
To manage the insanity
You put us all through
Daily
These months have been a slow unraveling
Of shreds of your thoughts
You want to make sense
But always end the same:
I am either damned if I do
Or damned if I don’t
I broke
A few months ago
When I was honest
And admitted I cared
More for you than I did
For myself
Or my family
Every word you spoke to me
I remained silent about
Until I was filled
With your pain
And my only medicine
was poison
and fantasy
I used to come to the rescue
Like an ambulance
Racing to your side
With a band-aid
For your little cut
Now
I can’t do anything
I am powerless
I am not a Savior
I am only a man
So I sit at my work computer
In the quiet before this busy day
And I pray
And I trust
And I cry
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I Am Plotting a New Future

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I am plotting a new future
A forward thinking place
Only I can imagine
If I can overcome today
I have a chance of getting there
I will do what I should
 
“Should”
Is the foamy bi-product of the bullshit
I spew into the ocean
Of dreams
Nothing is stopping me from doing
How many parts do I need to gather
In order to build a rudder?
I’d rather play imaginary games with them
And then throw them away
Because they are heavy
People around this world
Take photos
Of places far off that I think might exist
If I could escape the white prison
and mountains of emails
and anchors of my own doubts
God makes happen what I must
 
“Must”
Is the gravitational pull of the galaxy
Hooked to my feet
Of dreams
Dragging me towards the beyond
What can I do to right the ship?
I have let it fall to the side
 
I am plotting a new future
on top of the waves
Even if I risk drowning
I will find a way.

You can’t be a contradiction

You can’t be a contradiction

There’s no room for an “and”

Choose one way or another

So that we can understand

You are not your own

Listen to our advice

Acceptance is all you need

People won’t look at you twice

Artist and mathematician,

Engineer, creative soul,

Gentle, strong, and angry

Hidden and outwardly whole

Ugly and ruggedly handsome

Bristly and hairy and soft

Liar and lover and under the depths

Incredibly, wonderfully lost

Checklists upon empty boxes

Fill the world you live in

Where simplifying is knowing

And confusion is a sin

“I am who I am,” I cry

“A story difficult to tell”

The black and the white don’t combine

Into a gray, ambiguous hell

“Feed me, o, feed me, liar!”

Yelled the hungry volcano

The earth is ready to devour

Your broken up human soul

“Not true,” I tell the fire

Licking at my feet

I am made in the image of one

Man cannot re-create

And therein I see the lie

That we don’t understand

If it will not prove or compute

Its existence we cannot stand

Real

I am swimming in a bowl of lies

My cereal bowl

The spoon is my escape

To pour sweetness on my tongue

And savor the short satisfaction

 

I lie because I don’t want to admit to other people that I am weak

It makes me feel pitiful

And useless

So I would rather they think I am strong

Or at least mysterious

 

I think over these things at

The dining room table

Alone in the morning before 6am

When no one can see me

If I cry

 

I am talking to a room full of lies

Because they are my friends

For friends invade my personal space

Like a Junior High dance

And I can’t navigate the closeness

 

Pain can’t be the good thing

I know it is

As it closes in on my heart

And turns my comfort

Into intimacy

I will make it

 

I am in a cage made of lies

Like solid bars

Invisible on the outside

And others don’t understand

What they don’t know

 

I hear the truth as a whisper

Tickling the edge of my ear

Cool as water

As it cuts down to my bone and tears me apart

And I bleed

 

I am on a pedestal of stone

In front of an audience

Under glimmering light

And I tear off shame as a robe

So that I can be exposed

 

I will be

I will be

I will be

Real

Torn Sheet

Translucent films of white

Pages strewn on the floor

Denying the words that want to find a place

On their thin surfaces

Instead traversing the busy highways of a

Friday afternoon’s thoughts

Backing one into another

When I don’t think I can feel

I tear the paper

In order to let them out

Frustrations

And doubts about what I am doing

Wishing the jagged edge would

Mean something

Moving is not easy

Change comes as you drive along

Blind to potential

I feel like I must have failed

I find myself here

Crumple the page and throw it away

I roll down the window

The air outside is warm

And the papers flutter in the breeze

Animated into dance

Words start to fly

Shame can’t live outside

Boundaries of silence

I am breaking through

Gossamer sheets of pulp

Recycled and renewed in a world

That no longer sees their value

I shut off the screen that tells

Rather than allows me to speak

I will write after so long

And breathe

He Took the Seat

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Hey all…its been too long. Hopefully I get more poetry and thought up here over the next few months. Here is something that has taken a week to become full words and thankfully the Spark event at North Coast Calvary Chapel last night was the space for it. The image is burned in my mind. I hope you enjoy it:

He Took the Seat

I was in the great room

In the crowd of so many

Who were on their faces

And it was silent

Like the dawn breaking

At the water’s edge

When the wind stops

I was in the great room

And He walked in

Without announcement

On a red carpet

Where the least have tread

But he was famous

I was in the great room

Memories flooding back

Of men I no longer see

Scoffing, pretending, questioning

Not wanting answers

When I sat at his feet

And poured out the last of me

Emptying it from the cracks in my facade

When I couldn’t cover up

I was in the great room

When the roar began at the back

As if somewhere in the past

Exploded out of time

And they screamed and wailed

Like a million funerals

Became a billion new births

And He took the seat

Treasure

I was listening to poetry this morning and this, which has been brewing in my mind for weeks, finally came out. I hope you enjoy it!

Treasure

Like jewels hanging around my neck

Are the babbles and giggles

the screeches and squawks

The unintelligible language you speak

You reach out your hand to touch my lip

As if my mouth holds unknown things

hidden treasures

Sometimes we wash your hands at the sink

Like a couple dancing

You in my arms

Long familiar with the hold we have on one another

A daily anniversary of the day you arrived

Happy

Curious

and spry

When you cry out in the night I am blinded

With sleep

But I find you as if buried

Deep within a mine

Alone

Afraid

and waiting

When I scoop you into my arms

You wrap around my neck

More precious than anything

Ever to adorn me

When years tumble past

Like the clothes you watch

through the window of the wash machine

Will memories fade with them

Or will they polish to a bright shine

Like gold or diamonds

Like time in a jar of water

Shimmering, shining bright